The Bounty Hunter of Heartbreakers

The bounty hunter of heartbreakers
Only speaks in the hushed tones
Of pillow talk. You call him at your lowest
To tell him about whoever broke your heart.

He listens quietly and patiently,
Sharpening his sword, then stops you
After you’ve repeated your melodrama
The hundredth time to say: I’ll fight for you!

I’m the bounty hunter of heartbreakers
And I’ll destroy the cheater, nympho, sex fiend
Or fuckface who broke your heart!

Then he belly-flops out the window and starts

Sniffing the ground like a bloodhound,
Tracking down the heartless
By the frosty scent of their footprints.
He finds your old lovers

Wherever they hide, then tortures them
With paper cuts from love letters
They should never have sent.
He won’t try to convince them

To feel sorry or come back.
He incinerates them with a thousand
Cigarette burns, then pours their ashes
Into an hourglass made just for you.

You flip the hourglass over and over,
Watching the ashes of your former flame
Slide back and forth as you time
Yourself making love to others.

Just don’t fall for the bounty hunter:
He can never love again
Because loving no one is
His last chance at feeling so-so.

You want so badly to
Peel off his Zorro mask
As he sleeps at the foot of your bed,
Protecting you from your next disaster.

Perhaps he’s someone whose
Heart you broke long ago,
And saving you is his only way
To get close again.